Am I Being Too Vulnerable? Navigating Boundaried Leadership

During one of my recent training sessions, someone asked a question that stayed with me:

"How do I know if I'm being too vulnerable at work?"

It was one of those moments where everybody chimed in in the chat — because the question struck a chord. Many people shared that worry.

Because if you've ever led a team, supported a colleague, or simply tried to bring more of yourself into your work—you’ve probably wrestled with this too.

How much is too much? What will people think? Can I still be respected if I show I’m struggling?

Let’s talk about this gently, honestly, and with care. Because I think we need to.

Photo by Moon Bhuyan on Unsplash

Why Vulnerability Matters (and Why It's Scary)

There’s a lot of talk right now about vulnerability in leadership. We’ve got powerful voices like Brené Brown reminding us that vulnerability is the birthplace of trust, courage, creativity. And it is. I’ve seen it. I believe it.

But let’s be real: it’s also hard. It takes guts. And depending on your workplace culture, it can feel like a massive risk.

Many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that professionalism means holding it all together. That showing emotion is weak. That leaders must be composed, consistent, and always in control.

So when you start to unlearn that—when you start to wonder whether it might be okay to be real at work—it can feel unsettling.

“If I admit I don’t have the answer, will people lose faith in me?”
“If I tell my team I’m struggling, am I burdening them?”
“If I cry in a meeting, does that make me unprofessional?”

These are very human questions. And they deserve very human answers.

The Idea That Changed Everything for Me

One idea I return to again and again is this:

Share from the scar, not the wound.

It’s such a helpful way to think about timing and boundaries.

A scar means the healing has happened. You’ve processed the experience. You’ve gained perspective. You’re not reliving the pain as you talk about it—you’re remembering it. Reflecting. Offering insight.

A wound, on the other hand, is still raw. Still open. Still bleeding.

If you share from that place too soon, it can feel uncontained—for you and for others. It’s vulnerable in a way that might leave you feeling exposed rather than empowered.

This doesn’t mean we have to be perfectly processed all the time. But it’s about being thoughtful:

“Am I sharing this to connect and support—or am I sharing because I need help right now?”

If it’s the latter, maybe your team isn’t the right place for that conversation. Maybe it belongs in coaching, therapy, or with a trusted friend.

Boundaried vulnerability says: “I can be human with you—but I won’t hand you my pain and ask you to hold it.”

Vulnerability Isn’t All or Nothing

There’s a myth that you’re either vulnerable or you’re not. But it’s not black and white. Vulnerability is a spectrum, and it can be expressed in so many ways:

• Saying "I don’t know, but I’ll find out."

• Admitting you made a mistake and taking responsibility.

• Telling your team you're feeling tired and might not be at your best today.

• Talking about a time you struggled, and what helped you through.

These are all small acts of honesty. None of them require you to bare your soul or share your darkest moments. But they create trust. They make space. They let others breathe.

Questions to Ask Yourself

When I work with leaders and managers around this, we often come back to a few simple reflection questions:

1. Is this helpful, hopeful, or humanising?
   Will this make someone feel seen, safe, or supported?

2. Am I sharing to serve—or to soothe?
   Is this about helping others, or am I trying to offload something I haven’t worked through yet?

3. Would I feel okay if this came up in a performance review or a staff meeting next month?
   Not because it will, but because it’s a good gut-check for how safe this share really feels.

4. Am I modelling something I’d want my team to do?
   Would I be proud if they followed my lead in this moment?

These aren’t rules, but they’re useful guardrails.

Real-Life Moments of Boundaried Vulnerability

Let me give you a few examples from people I’ve coached (shared with permission or anonymised):

• A senior manager said to her team: "I’ve noticed I’ve been quieter than usual this week. I’m okay, just processing a few things personally. I’ll let you know if I need to shift anything—but for now, I just wanted to name it." That’s vulnerability with a boundary.

• A team leader opened a meeting by sharing how he used to avoid difficult conversations, and how that had affected trust in a previous team. Then he explained how he was working on it, and invited feedback. That’s leading through learning.

• A head of department told her staff, after a period of restructuring: "This has been hard. I’ve had days where I’ve questioned everything. But I believe in the direction we’re heading, and I want to hear how you’re feeling too." That’s creating shared humanity, not dumping emotion.

None of these people shared everything. But they shared something—and it made a difference.

When Not to Share

Sometimes, the bravest thing is to hold your vulnerability until you’re ready. Some good reasons to wait:

• You’re still really upset, and might regret what you say

• You haven’t figured out your own next step

• The room isn’t safe or psychologically supportive

• You’re not sure who you're sharing for—you or them

Leadership is about care. And sometimes that care means tending to yourself first.

Find your own circle of support—coaches, peers, friends, mentors—where you can be messy, real, unfiltered. Then bring your learning and clarity back to your team.

The Culture Factor

We can’t ignore the role of organisational culture here. In a psychologically safe environment, vulnerability is welcomed, modelled, and honoured. In a toxic or hierarchical one, it can be weaponised.

If your workplace doesn’t feel safe, don’t force yourself to be vulnerable. You don’t have to prove your humanity. You get to protect it.

Start with micro-moments. A small story. A kind truth. A pause to check in.

And if you’re in a position to change the culture, your vulnerability—offered with boundaries and care—can be the ripple that starts the wave.

Let’s Redefine What Leadership Looks Like

I want to say this clearly: being human does not make you unprofessional.

You can be strong and tender.
You can be decisive and uncertain.
You can hold others and still need holding.

In fact, the leaders I trust most are the ones who’ve shown me both their clarity and their humanity. They’re the ones who say: “Here’s what I’m learning.” “Here’s how I’m growing.” “Here’s where I got it wrong.”

That’s the kind of leadership I want to see more of. That’s the kind of leadership I believe in.

In Kindness: Some Final Words

So, if you’re asking yourself, “Am I being too vulnerable?”, maybe what you’re really asking is:

• “Is this safe to share?”

• “Is this the right time?”

• “Is this for connection—or for comfort?”

There’s no perfect formula. But there is wisdom in asking. And that in itself shows you care.

So go gently. Trust your gut. Keep the boundaries that protect your heart, but don’t build walls so high that no one can see it.

And when in doubt, remember:

Share from the scar, not the wound.

I’d love to know—how do you navigate vulnerability at work? What’s felt safe, or scary, or surprising? Let’s open the conversation.

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This is the kind of work I love to support: human, kind, boundaried leadership. If you or your team would like to explore this further, head over to www.thekindbraveleader.co.uk or get in touch—I’d love to hear from you.