Behind My Smile: A Personal Battle with Burnout and Misogyny in the Workplace
International Women's Day
TW - talks about burnout, misogyny and bullying.
Today, on International Women's Day, I want to share my personal journey as I feel it resonates deeply with the broader narrative of women's experiences in the workplace because according to a 2023 Gallup survey, 33% of women are burning out in the workplace (and 25% of men). In 2020, while burnout increased among working women, it decreased for working men. As of 2023, 33% of working women report burnout very frequently or all the time, compared to 25% of men. This is a problem. A big problem. Why are women burning out?
My story
For me, this post comes on the anniversary of when I was signed off work due to stress, anxiety, and burnout— conditions all too familiar to many, yet often misunderstood and underestimated in its complexity and impact. My story shares some of the challenges faced by countless women and, in particular, intertwines the demands of professional roles with the insidious currents of workplace misogyny.
The pivotal moment for me was a culmination of sustained psychological warfare from a particular colleague, epitomised by an attack through a 136-page document. This document, a manifesto of malice aimed at myself and two amazing female colleagues, meticulously raked over every decision I had made in the previous three years, weaving a tapestry of false rumours and untruths aimed at my professional integrity and personal dignity. The experience of reading what amounted to a thesis of hatred against me was profoundly disturbing. Imagine being subjected to an exhaustive dissection of your professional life, every decision critiqued not with the intent of constructive feedback but to demean, discredit, and ultimately destroy. Imagine that the period this covered was the most extraordinarily challenging of your career or personal life. Then, imagine having to read it repeatedly to ensure you can provide evidence of why it was untrue. It was like being punched over and over again.
The aftermath of this attack was devastating. The psychological damage had been inflicted, and although an investigation by my workplace found these accusations unfounded, I was broken by the ordeal. I found myself in a state of burnout, a term that barely encapsulates the depth of despair and exhaustion I felt. I had not slept in months, I was shaking, tearful, quick to snap, it was effecting my relationships with everyone (most sadly my kids), I was working but struggled to concentrate as I processed what had happened and by connection the previous 3 years of events. Burnout, as I've come to understand through both personal experience and professional study, is a complex syndrome marked by physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. It's a gradual process that creeps up insidiously as stress accumulates, eventually leading to a precipice from which recovery seems a daunting, if not impossible, task. For me, it had been building since the start of the pandemic but was undoubtedly accelerated by the attack and I went through several of the stages at once.
Before I go further I want to say to anyone reading this who is feeling burntout you can and will survive but one of the hallmarks is you may be struggling to realise you need to stop and when you do stop you may also grossly underestimate how long it will take to recover. I will talk more about burnout recovery in coming weeks but if you feel you may be burning out talk to your GP, your friends and family and listen to what they say. I worked for at least 2 months longer than I should have done and then thought I only needed two weeks off. Therapy helped me no end but even now the effects of what happened still creep up and it may be a long time before I am 100%
The attack, however, was not just a personal one; as I have read and researched, it was emblematic of a deeper, more pervasive issue— misogyny. Yes, it was written by a man who made no secret of his dislike of me, had gone through my social media, every email I had sent out to the service I led, every decision I made in the pandemic (when I had a high risk pregnancy, had hyperemesis gravidarum and was doing homeschooling with a 5-year-old) and twisted everything I had done or said there or at work against me. My experience, though unique (I hope), sheds light on the dual battle many women face: striving to meet high professional demands while also navigating the treacherous waters of gender-based discrimination and harassment. Misogyny in the workplace can manifest in various forms, from overt harassment to subtler acts of undermining and exclusion. It adds an additional layer of stress and emotional labour, exacerbating the stages of burnout and making the path to recovery even more challenging.
In sharing my story, I aim to highlight the personal toll of such experiences and underscore the need for systemic change. We must strive to create work environments where gender does not dictate one's safety, success, or wellbeing. As we observe International Women's Day, let us renew our commitment to fostering workplaces prioritising kindness, respect, and equality. Let us work towards a future where the wellbeing of every individual is not just an aspiration but a reality and where stories like mine become the exception, not the norm. Yet, it is through understanding the 12 stages of burnout that I've begun to piece together the roadmap of my recovery. This journey through burnout—exacerbated by the misogyny I faced—has not only tested my resilience but has also illuminated the systemic barriers women encounter in their professional lives.
As a kindness and wellbeing coach, I am more committed than ever to advocating for these changes. Sharing my story is part of this advocacy, a testament to the strength we find in vulnerability. It's a reminder that self-care is not just an act of personal healing but a radical resistance against the structures that seek to diminish us.
Reflecting on my journey, particularly today—International Women's Day—and marking one year since I was signed off work with stress, anxiety, and burnout, I feel compelled to share my insights into why so many women are reaching the brink of burnout. My personal experience, punctuated by a significant event that served as the final straw, sheds light on the complex interplay between misogyny in the workplace and the gradual, insidious nature of burnout.
The attack against me was a manifestation of misogyny that left a lasting impact on my psychological wellbeing. This wasn't just an attack on my professional decisions; it was a targeted assault on my identity and capability as a female leader. Misogyny in the workplace, especially against women in leadership roles, can take many forms, from overt harassment to subtle undermining of one's authority and contributions. These actions erode the victim's sense of safety and belonging and contribute significantly to the stress that leads to burnout.
Understanding the 12 Stages of burnout
Understanding the 12 stages of burnout has been instrumental in my journey, providing a framework to navigate the complexities of workplace stress and its impact on women. These stages, from the initial need to prove oneself to the eventual sense of emptiness and despair, map out a trajectory that many women find themselves on, often exacerbated by gender-based discrimination and harassment:
The Proving Ground: The initial drive to prove one's worth often sets the stage for burnout, particularly in environments where women feel their competence is perpetually questioned due to gender biases. This had begun for me in the pandemic, as it had for many women, proving ourselves as parents and leaders, able to do the ultimate juggle. Until then I had been exceptionally good at compartmentalising my work and personal lives.
The Redoubling Effort: When faced with challenges, many women respond by working harder and pushing themselves to the brink in a bid to overcome the subtle and overt barriers erected by workplace misogyny.
Neglecting Needs: Personal needs and self-care are often overlooked, a sacrifice many women feel compelled to make to maintain their professional standing.
The Blame Game: As stress mounts, it becomes easier to find fault in others, including colleagues and the workplace culture, which may be inherently biased against women.
Value Shift: Work becomes the overriding priority, overshadowing personal values and leading to a disconnect between one's work and authentic self.
Denial: Women might deny the stress and its sources, attributing issues to anything but the gendered dynamics at play.
Withdrawal: Feeling overwhelmed, there's a tendency to withdraw from social and professional circles, exacerbating isolation.
Behavioural Changes: Stress manifests in behaviour, affecting relationships and potentially leading to conflicts at work and home.
Depersonalisation: Disconnection from one's life and work ensues, feeling like an outsider in one's own experiences. I remember sitting in meetings completely disassociated from the experience because my mind was processing the 136 page document.
Emptiness: A profound sense of emptiness takes hold, which might lead to seeking unhealthy coping mechanisms. For me I overate, I stopped exercising or seeing friends and tried to tread water. I put on 2 stone in 2 months because of the stress, this event didn’t only effect my mental health it affected me physically leading to some health issues I am only now dealing with.
Despair: The penultimate stage, marked by desperation and a sense of being trapped in an untenable situation. This can be made worse by minimising and gaslighting by people around you. If you are a manager reading this, listen, hold people’s truths and do not minimise what they are experiencing.
Complete Burnout: The culmination of this journey is a state of profound mental and physical exhaustion, where even basic tasks become insurmountable. I literally collapsed from illness and exhaustion. The recurring ear infection that had been hanging around during all this eventually led to a GP telling me he didn’t know how I was walking around. After 4 different GPs had told me to stop working I had to listen.
Misogyny exacerbates each of these stages by adding layers of complexity and emotional labour for women. From having their authority questioned due to their gender, dealing with inappropriate comments masked as jokes, to being overlooked for promotions in favour of less qualified male counterparts, these experiences fuel the burnout fire.
Why are so many women burning out?
As the Gallup survey shows burnout is becoming a big problem, especially for women. This situation needs us to look closely at the specific challenges women face at work, challenges that are pushing them towards burnout. My experiences and what I know about how many people feel through my coaching and consultancy work make me want to share some thoughts on why so many women are finding themselves on the edge of burnout.
The Gallup survey reveals that women prioritise greater work-life balance (69%) as their top reason for taking their next job. This is closely followed by the desire to engage in work that allows them to utilise their strengths (62%), and the opportunity for a significant increase in income or improved benefits (59%). These findings underscore the evolving dynamics of job preferences, highlighting a strong demand for roles that support both professional fulfillment and personal well-being. This data not only offers insight into gender-specific priorities in the workplace but also points towards broader trends in employment expectations, with both men and women valuing similar aspects such as income, work-life balance, and job stability.
Women often have to work extra hard to prove themselves in jobs where their hard work and skills might not be fully appreciated. This constant battle to show their value can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. They must prove they deserve to be there, which can wear anyone down.
Then, there's the pressure to manage work and home life perfectly. Society expects women to take care of home and family, no matter how busy they are with their jobs. Trying to live up to these expectations can be overwhelming, leaving little time for self-care.
On top of that, I have heard many stories of workplaces that aren't welcoming or fair to women. Experiences of being treated poorly or unfairly because of gender can make women feel alone and undervalued at work. This environment can affect someone's mental health and happiness at work. This may be overt or it maybe more hidden, but if women are reporting they feel people are treating them badly or differently because of their gender then listen, the evidence might not be totally obvious but women need to be heard and it needs to be treated with respect when they raise it.
Also, even though we're starting to talk more about mental health at work, many places still don't offer enough support for women dealing with these issues. Things like flexible working hours, access to mental health resources (not just basic EAP), and efforts to make the workplace kinder and more inclusive aren't available everywhere, which makes it harder for women to find the help they need.
So, when we consider why more women are facing burnout, we need to do more than tell them to tough it out or look after themselves better. We need to change how workplaces operate and how society views women's roles at work and at home. Understanding the pressures women face and doing something about them can help make work a healthier place for everyone.
It's more than just men who can be the problem.
Adding to the challenges women face in the workplace, another layer can make things even more complicated: women not supporting each other. This issue, often surprising and deeply disappointing, stems from various factors and can intensify the feeling of isolation and stress that leads to burnout.
Sometimes, the competitive atmosphere of a workplace can push women to view each other as rivals rather than allies. This competition can be particularly fierce in environments where few women are in leadership roles, creating a sense of scarcity and the idea that one woman's success comes at another's expense. It's a mindset that not only pits women against each other but also detracts from the broader goal of achieving gender equality in the workplace.
Moreover, societal and cultural pressures can play a role. Some women might have internalised the same stereotypes and biases that they fight against, leading to behaviours that inadvertently uphold the status quo rather than challenge it. This internalised misogyny can manifest in not supporting or acknowledging the achievements of other women or, in some cases, actively undermining them.
However, it's essential to recognise that these behaviours are symptoms of more significant systemic issues rather than individual failings. The structures and cultures that encourage competition over collaboration, that pit women against each other, are the root cause. Addressing these issues requires a conscious effort to foster an environment of support and solidarity among women in the workplace.
Creating mentorship networks, advocating for one another, and celebrating each other's successes can help build a more inclusive and supportive environment. It's about shifting the narrative from competition to collaboration, recognising that one woman's success can pave the way for others. By working together, women can create a workplace culture that not only challenges the existing biases and barriers but also supports the wellbeing and advancement of all women.
Solutions and Steps We Can Take Today
Through my journey of understanding burnout, particularly how it's exacerbated by gender-based discrimination, I've come to recognise the urgent need for systemic change—a change aimed at fostering work environments where kindness, respect, and equality are not mere aspirations but fundamental principles.
For Individuals:
Seek and Offer Support: Building support networks within and outside the workplace is crucial. These networks can be a source of comfort, advice, and solidarity. By offering support to others, we reinforce our collective strength and resilience.
Practice Self-Care and Set Boundaries: Prioritising our wellbeing is essential. Setting clear boundaries between work and personal life, engaging in mindfulness, exercising, and pursuing hobbies can help us manage stress and build resilience.
Educate and Advocate: We must raise awareness about the signs of burnout and the impact of misogyny. Advocating for change, whether through formal channels like HR or informal discussions, can contribute to shifting attitudes and policies.
For Organisations:
Implement and Enforce Anti-Discrimination Policies: It's imperative to have clear policies against discrimination and harassment, with a transparent process for addressing grievances. These policies must be rigorously enforced.
Promote Diversity and Inclusion: The key is to create a workplace where everyone feels valued and supported. This includes implementing mentorship programs, providing diversity training, and ensuring equitable hiring practices.
Support Work-Life Balance: Flexible working arrangements, access to mental health resources, and encouraging employees to take their full annual leave are vital steps in acknowledging and supporting work-life balance.
For Society:
Challenge Gender Stereotypes: We need to foster discussions around gender roles and stereotypes. By challenging these norms, we build a more equitable society that values women's contributions in and out of the workplace.
Advocate for Policy Change: Supporting policies that protect workers' rights, promote gender equality, and ensure safe work environments is crucial. This includes advocating for equal pay, parental leave, and protections against workplace harassment.
Promote Kindness and Wellbeing: As a kindness and wellbeing coach, I firmly believe in the transformative power of these values. Encouraging organisations to prioritise kindness and wellbeing can create more supportive and productive workplaces.
Closing Thoughts
In sharing my story, I aim to highlight the personal toll of such experiences and the implications for workplaces everywhere. It's a call to action for creating environments where gender does not dictate one's safety, success, or sanity. The path to recovery and resilience is both a personal and collective journey. It requires acknowledging the impact of misogyny, actively working to dismantle it, and fostering a culture of support, respect, and equality.
While deeply personal, my story is a call to action—a reminder of the ongoing challenges and the potential for positive change. On this International Women's Day, let us commit to taking concrete steps towards creating work environments where everyone, regardless of gender, can thrive without fear of burnout or discrimination. It's a journey of collective action and resilience, and by working together, we can ensure that experiences like mine become less common, paving the way for a future where the workplace is empowering and fulfilling for all.
With compassion, resilience, and unwavering support for one another, we can forge a future where the workplace is not a battleground but a place of growth, respect, and equality. Let's hold fast to the vision of a world where every woman's voice is heard, her worth recognised, and her potential unleashed. On this day and every day, let us recommit to turning the tide, making our stories not just tales of survival but beacons of hope for the generations of women who will follow.