From Reflection to Realisation

How to Close the Gap Between Who You Are and Who You Want to Be

What if the key to growth wasn’t hustling harder but pausing long enough to ask the right questions?

In a world obsessed with productivity hacks and five-step success formulas, it can be refreshing, radical, even, to stop and reflect. I want to ask “What do I need to do next?” and “Who do I want to become?”

Richard Boyatzis, a professor of organisational behaviour and leadership development, offers a compelling framework for this deeper kind of personal transformation. His Self-Directed Learning Theory doesn’t promise overnight change. Instead, it acknowledges what real growth actually looks like: rich, reflective, and sometimes gloriously messy.

Boyatzis describes five key “discoveries” that help adults close the gap between their real self (who you are today) and your ideal self (who you long to be). This journey is both deeply personal and profoundly universal. Whether you're a coach, a leader, or simply someone navigating change, these discoveries offer a mirror—and a map.

Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash

Why Self-Directed Learning Matters More Than Ever

In fast-moving, complex times, external goals are everywhere: promotions, certifications, likes, followers. But self-directed learning shifts the focus inward. It’s not just about climbing ladders, it’s about building alignment. Between your work and your values. Your actions and your intentions. Your leadership and your legacy.

This isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about coming home to yourself.

Discovery 1: The Ideal Self – Envisioning Who You Want to Be

Boyatzis starts with vision, not strategy. This is not about SMART goals or performance metrics. It's about clarity of being.

Who do you want to be when no one’s watching?
What does “thriving” look and feel like for you?
What do you care about so deeply it brings tears to your eyes?

This discovery is about stepping beyond other people’s expectations and connecting with your sense of purpose. It’s a space for imagination, not limitation.

Try This: Write a letter from your future self, five years ahead, describing your life, your work, your relationships, and your impact. Let it be wildly hopeful and completely honest.

Discovery 2: The Real Self – Taking Stock of Where You Are

Once you have a picture of your ideal self, the next step is reflection. Who are you now? What are your strengths, your habits, your patterns?

This can feel confronting, but it's also profoundly empowering. Growth doesn't begin from a blank slate. It begins by recognising the assets you already have—alongside the areas where you're feeling stuck.

Boyatzis encourages us to hold both strengths and gaps with compassion. You are not broken. You are becoming.

Try This: Ask trusted colleagues or friends, “What do you see as my greatest strengths?” and “What’s one area you think I could grow in?” Reflect without defensiveness. You’re gathering data, not judgement.

Discovery 3: The Learning Agenda – Mapping the Journey

This is where vision meets action. Not in the form of a rigid to-do list, but through a learning agenda: a flexible, evolving plan that helps you experiment, grow, and refine.

A powerful learning agenda is driven by intrinsic motivation. It's not “I should be more assertive,” but “I want to speak up more because I value my voice.”

This phase isn’t linear. It includes trying, failing, tweaking. It’s about building self-efficacy, the belief that you can change, and that change is worth it.

Try This: Identify one small action you can take this week that aligns with your ideal self. Then reflect: What did you learn from doing it? What surprised you?

Discovery 4: Experimenting with New Behaviours, Thoughts and Feelings

This is the sandbox of self-development. Here’s where theory meets practice.

Want to become a more compassionate leader? Try pausing before you respond. Want to be more confident? Start saying yes to small opportunities outside your comfort zone. Want to stop people-pleasing? Practise saying no kindly.

This discovery is about trying on the qualities of your ideal self. Not perfectly. Not all at once. But bravely and consistently.

Try This: Choose a mindset or behaviour you want to develop. Each morning, set a micro-intention to practise it just once that day. Track how it feels—what’s easy, what’s awkward, what’s empowering.

Discovery 5: Resonant Relationships – Finding Support Along the Way

No meaningful change happens in a vacuum. We grow best in the presence of people who believe in us, challenge us, and hold space for our evolution.

Boyatzis calls these “resonant relationships.” These aren’t just mentors—they’re mirrors. People who reflect our strengths back to us and remind us who we’re becoming when we forget.

This might be a coach, a trusted colleague, a mastermind group, or even a friend who asks beautiful questions.

Try This: Ask yourself, “Who do I feel safe enough to grow with?” Then reach out. Share what you’re working on. Invite them to be part of your support system.

Bringing the Discoveries to Life: A Reflective Tool

To help you translate these ideas into practice, we’ve adapted Boyatzis’s five discoveries into a simple, powerful journaling tool. Take a quiet hour, make a cup of tea, and spend time with these prompts:

1. Who am I, as a leader or person?

• What values do I hold most dear?

• When do I feel most like myself?

• What do others appreciate about me?

2. Who do I want to become?

• What qualities do I admire in others?

• If fear weren’t a factor, what would I try?

• What kind of leader—or human—do I dream of being?

3. What am I learning about myself?

• What patterns am I ready to release?

• What strengths have carried me so far?

• Where am I out of alignment with my values?

4. What new habits or mindsets could I explore?

• What’s one slight shift I can make this week?

• How might I speak to myself more kindly?

• Where can I practise showing up with more courage?

5. Who will support me on this journey?

• Who truly sees me?

• Who can I learn with or from?

• What kind of community do I need to sustain my growth?

Real Growth Isn’t Linear—And That’s a Gift

One of the most liberating truths in Boyatzis’s theory is this: development isn’t a straight line. It’s not a staircase. It’s a spiral.

You’ll come back to old patterns. You’ll hit plateaus. You’ll have days when your real self and ideal self feel galaxies apart.

But you’ll also notice moments—brief and beautiful—where they begin to align. Where you are the leader, coach, parent, friend you want to be. Not perfectly. But authentically.

And those moments? They add up.

Why This Work Matters

Self-directed learning isn’t just about becoming a better professional. It’s about reclaiming agency over your own evolution.

In times of rapid change, overwhelm, and burnout, defaulting to autopilot is tempting. But this work—this deep, intentional self-reflection—grounds you. It reminds you that you’re not powerless. You’re not stuck.

You are a work in progress, and you are the author of that progress.

Final Thought: Don’t Walk Alone

Transformation takes time. Compassion. Community.

So if you're feeling inspired but unsure where to start, know this: the only wrong step is not starting. Begin with one question. One conversation. One brave, imperfect action.