The Ripple Effect of Unkindness

How Being Unkind Hurts the Unkind—and Why Leaders Must Act

Unkindness often starts small—a snide comment, a cold shoulder, or an uncharitable thought. These seemingly minor acts can snowball, turning into a pattern of behaviour that not only affects those on the receiving end but also profoundly impacts the person being unkind.

We often focus on the damage done to victims of unkindness, which is undeniably important. However, it’s equally crucial to recognise the toll it takes on those who are unkind. When a person allows small acts of unkindness to become a habit, they create a negative feedback loop that diminishes their own wellbeing.

The Emotional Cost of Unkindness

When someone is unkind, it’s not just the target of that unkindness who suffers. The person being unkind also experiences a range of negative emotions—anger, resentment, guilt, and shame. These emotions can fester, leading to chronic stress and anxiety. Over time, the mental and emotional burden of maintaining a façade of hostility or superiority can be overwhelming.

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The Cycle of Bullying

Bullying often begins with small, seemingly inconsequential acts of unkindness. A dismissive comment here, a bit of exclusion there. When these actions are not checked, they can become more significant forms of aggression. For the bully, this can lead to a hardening of their emotional state. They may become desensitized to the harm they are causing, losing touch with their empathy and compassion. This emotional numbness doesn’t just hurt their relationships with others; it erodes their sense of humanity and connection.

Unkindness and Isolation

As someone becomes known for their unkind behaviour, they often become increasingly isolated. People start to avoid them, not wanting to be the next target or simply because they don’t want to be around negativity. This isolation can lead to loneliness and depression, creating a vicious cycle where the person feels more compelled to act out due to their own unhappiness, further alienating themselves from others.

The Importance of Breaking the Cycle

It’s important to break the cycle of unkindness before it takes root. Small acts of unkindness should be addressed immediately—both by those who witness them and by the person who commits them. Self-reflection is key. By recognizing the harm that unkind behaviour does to others and oneself, individuals can start to make more conscious choices in how they treat people.

Unkindness and PERMA

Unkindness can undermine the core components of wellbeing, particularly when viewed through the lens of the PERMA model—Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. These five pillars, identified by positive psychology, are essential for thriving. When unkindness is allowed to fester, it disrupts each of these elements, leading to a decline in both individual and collective wellbeing.

Positive Emotion: The Erosion of Joy

Positive emotions are the foundation of wellbeing. They include feelings like joy, gratitude, and contentment. Unkindness directly erodes these emotions for those on the receiving end and those who perpetrate it. When someone is subjected to unkind behaviour, their ability to experience positive emotions diminishes, often replaced by anxiety, sadness, or anger. Similarly, the unkind person may feel fleeting satisfaction, which is often followed by guilt or shame, leading to a cycle of negative emotions. Over time, this undermines the overall emotional climate of a workplace or community, making it harder for positive emotions to flourish.

Engagement: Disconnection and Disinterest

Engagement refers to being deeply involved in activities that challenge and absorb us, leading to a state of flow. Unkindness disrupts this engagement. For those targeted by unkind behaviour, the emotional toll can make it difficult to focus, leading to disengagement from work or social activities. An unkind person may also find it harder to engage fully, as their actions create barriers between themselves and meaningful involvement in their tasks or relationships. Over time, the atmosphere of unkindness can lead to widespread disengagement, reducing productivity and stifling creativity.

Relationships: Fracturing Connections

Strong, supportive relationships are at the heart of the PERMA model. Unkindness is a direct assault on these relationships. It breeds mistrust, resentment, and fear, which fracture connections between people. When unkindness is tolerated in a workplace or social setting, it poisons the relational environment, making it difficult for trust and cooperation to thrive. For the unkind person, this behaviour often leads to isolation as others pull away to protect themselves. Over time, the breakdown of relationships can lead to a toxic environment where collaboration and mutual support are replaced by competition and hostility.

Meaning: Diminishing Purpose

Meaning, or the sense that one’s life and work have a purpose, is essential for wellbeing. Unkindness can strip away this sense of meaning. Those who experience unkind behavior often find it hard to connect their efforts to a larger purpose, as their focus shifts to coping with negativity. For those who engage in unkind behaviour, the lack of meaningful connection with others can lead to a sense of emptiness or disillusionment. When a culture of unkindness takes hold, the shared sense of purpose that binds a team or community can erode, leaving individuals feeling disconnected from their work and each other.

Accomplishment: Sabotaging Success

Accomplishment refers to the pursuit and achievement of goals. Unkindness sabotages this pursuit by creating an environment where people are less motivated to strive for success. For those targeted by unkind behaviour, the emotional and psychological impact can make it difficult to focus on goals, leading to diminished performance and a lack of achievement. Even for those being unkind, the negative energy they cultivate can drain their motivation and hinder their ability to accomplish meaningful goals. In a broader sense, when unkindness permeates a culture, it undermines collective efforts, making it harder for teams or organizations to achieve their objectives.

Organisational systems as a tool for unkindness

When an organization’s systems encourage unkindness, whether intentionally or through neglect, it creates a toxic environment where negative behaviours are normalized and even rewarded. This can happen when there is an overemphasis on competition, a lack of accountability for inappropriate behaviour, or when success is measured solely by outcomes rather than the process by which they are achieved. In such environments, unkindness becomes a tool for advancement, with individuals feeling pressured to undermine others to get ahead. Additionally, those who thrive in such a culture may misuse grievance or performance policies to further their own interests, weaponizing these systems against colleagues as a means of gaining power or securing their position. Over time, this erodes trust, collaboration, and morale, leading to a dysfunctional culture where wellbeing is sacrificed for short-term gains. Ultimately, this not only harms individuals but also undermines the long-term success and sustainability of the organization.

Kindness as a Path to Wellbeing

On the flip side, choosing kindness—even in small ways—can profoundly impact one’s wellbeing. Kindness fosters connection, reduces stress, and enhances feelings of purpose and satisfaction. By nurturing kindness in ourselves and others, we create a positive environment where everyone’s wellbeing can flourish.

Ultimately, the choice is clear: unkindness breeds negativity and isolation, while kindness fosters wellbeing and connection. By being mindful of how even small actions can shape our lives and the lives of those around us, we can make a conscious decision to build a world where kindness, not unkindness, flourishes. Furthermore, challenging unkind individuals is crucial not just for the wellbeing of those they harm, but for their own growth and health. By addressing unkindness directly, we offer them the opportunity to reflect, change, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling and connected life.