When Getting What You Want Doesn’t Make You Happy
What You Can Learn From the Patterns of Unmet Expectations
Have you ever worked hard for something, achieved it—and then felt… underwhelmed?
Maybe it was that dream job.
Or a long-awaited promotion.
A house move. A relationship. A milestone birthday.
You told yourself, Once I get there, I’ll feel fulfilled.
And then you got there—and the feeling didn’t last.
Or worse, it never came at all.
It’s a common, very human experience. And it holds an important lesson:
Can you identify any patterns in the things you’ve wanted that didn’t bring the satisfaction you expected? And what can you learn from them?
Let’s explore this together.
Why We Often Get Happiness Wrong
Psychologists call this impact bias—our tendency to overestimate how much and how long a future event will affect our emotions (Gilbert et al., 2002).
Closely linked is hedonic adaptation: our brain’s habit of quickly returning to a baseline level of happiness after positive or negative events (Frederick & Loewenstein, 1999).
In simpler terms?
We chase outcomes, believing they’ll change everything—only to discover that our happiness is more fleeting (and more internal) than we imagined.
This isn’t a flaw in your character.
It’s how most of us are wired.
But it means that understanding your own patterns—the gap between what you hoped for and what actually satisfied you—can be transformative.
Step 1: Naming the Things You Thought Would Make You Happy
Let’s start here.
Think back over the last few years. What have you longed for? Told yourself would be the thing?
Common examples include:
Getting the job title or promotion
Finding the “right” partner
Moving to a new city or house
Earning a specific income
Gaining external recognition or followers
Changing your body
Achieving a goal or publishing a piece of work
These aren’t bad things. In fact, many of them are meaningful.
But the key question is: did they deliver what you thought they would?
Step 2: Noticing the Gap Between Expectation and Reality
Let’s take a closer look.
Here are some patterns people often notice when they reflect honestly:
The feeling faded fast
“I got the job—but I was already chasing the next step two weeks later.”
It created new stress
“Buying the house was exciting, but now I’m overwhelmed by the upkeep and mortgage.”
The external win didn’t fix the internal story
“I lost the weight, but I still felt insecure.”
The dream didn’t match the reality
“I thought being self-employed would feel freeing. Sometimes it does. But I didn’t expect the loneliness.”
You moved the goalposts
“I finally got published, but now I feel pressure to top it.”
If you see these patterns, you’re not broken. You’re simply bumping up against the limits of achievement-based happiness.
Step 3: What Actually Made You Feel Fulfilled?
Now flip the script.
Think back to moments—not necessarily milestones—where you genuinely felt content, proud, seen, or alive.
A quiet afternoon when you felt grounded
A conversation that made you feel deeply understood
A moment of laughter with someone you love
A project where you lost track of time
A kind message from someone who felt impacted by your work
Often, these moments:
Aren’t public or glamorous
Can’t be measured in money or status
Involve connection, flow, or meaning
Are rooted in the present, not the future
What You Can Learn From Your Patterns
Once you identify your personal patterns, ask yourself:
1. Was I chasing an internal feeling through an external fix?
We often pursue things because we think they’ll create safety, self-worth, or belonging.
But those are internal needs. And external milestones can’t fully meet them.
2. Did I believe that ‘when I get X, I’ll finally feel Y’?
This is the classic If/Then trap.
“If I get the promotion, then I’ll feel confident.”
“If I move away, then I’ll be at peace.”
“If I publish the book, then I’ll feel like I matter.”
And when Y doesn’t arrive… we chase a new X.
3. Did I adapt quickly and feel empty again?
This is hedonic adaptation in action. The “new normal” becomes just normal. And we’re left wondering what’s wrong with us.
But nothing’s wrong.
You’ve simply discovered that happiness isn’t found in the finish line—it’s found in how we walk the path.
So… What Now?
Understanding your patterns isn’t about shaming your past self.
It’s about reclaiming your agency and making wiser, more fulfilling choices moving forward.
Here are some ways to shift:
1. Practice Present-Based Fulfilment
Instead of waiting for a future event to feel good—look for what’s good now.
Ask:
What already brings me peace, joy, or meaning?
How can I make space for that today?
2. Shift from Outcome Goals to Values-Based Goals
Instead of saying:
“I want to publish a book.”
Ask:
“What value does that represent for me? Expression? Impact? Connection?”
Then find multiple ways to live that value—not just the one goalpost.
3. Anchor in Internal Validation
External wins feel good—but they’re fleeting.
Try to notice and name your own progress, effort, and growth—even if no one else sees it.
Remind yourself:
“I can be proud without proof.”
4. Celebrate Without Attachment
Let yourself enjoy achievements—but don’t let them define your worth.
Celebrate, yes. But also breathe, integrate, and ask: What’s truly nourishing for me right now?
5. Get Curious About Your Longing
Longing isn’t bad. It can be a compass.
But be curious: What do I really want underneath the surface want?
Is it to be seen?
To feel safe?
To experience freedom or meaning?
To know I matter?
These are valid. But they often need inner tending, not outer chasing.
Final Reflection: You Are Not a Self-Improvement Project
This question—“Can you identify any patterns in the things you've wanted that didn’t bring satisfaction?”—isn’t meant to make you feel bad.
It’s an invitation.
An invitation to move from chasing to choosing. From performing to connecting. From future-tripping to present-rooting.
You are not a failure for wanting things.
You are not broken for feeling disappointed.
You are just human.
And being human means sometimes learning the hard way that what we thought would fix us doesn’t—because we were never broken in the first place.
Want Support Letting Go of Exhausting Patterns?
If you’re tired of chasing outcomes that don’t land, and ready to build a life rooted in values, presence, and sustainable joy—I’d love to support you.
Explore my burnout coaching and resources to recover energy, rediscover what matters, and move forward with intention.
Because the life you’re looking for might not be out there.
It might already be here—waiting for you to notice.